Gay Love In The Heart of God

Posted on February 1, 2012 by


When you love you should not say,
‘God is in my heart,’ but rather,
‘I am in the heart of God.’
And think not you can direct the course of love,
for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Kahlil Gibran

Story by Jessica LaPointe.

I was invited to attend church service with a co-worker.

I agreed to attend the service. There were 2 baptisms going on that day at this church, and  since I have been waiting a long time to get Baptized,  I stayed after wards to meet and talk with the Pastor.  I told him I wanted to be Baptized. He was delighted to be chosen to do it, or so I thought.

I decided to meet with him the following Wednesday for dinner; as the older women of the church were hosting a lunch by donation only.  I got to sit down and talk to this Pastor face to face.  He started downing different  religions.  I immediately spoke up and told him that I think of all Religions as a star, pointing into the center meeting the same graciousness. I also announced that I think Muslims are doing it right, just the Power of Prayer when they are on their mountain tops, praying to their god, the energy in it all. He immediately slammed every religion down and judged them all, stating the only way to be gauranteed after-life, is through Jesus. Which I do agree fully as I am a Christian, but that does not make me less respecting of all other religions. He reassured myself  he is doing it right, and he, being in a place of authority with one single church,  gets to decide who is doing it wrong. How could he judge, a man of God, judging everyone else, so sure he has got what it takes. After this second meeting with him, I knew most definitely that I too would be judged by this man by what I was planning on telling him.

The next day, I asked to meet with him again, to discuss the details of my Baptism, to tell him who I am what I am about.  I immediately announced I was a lesbian! Oh what a thing to say.  He immediately took my Baptism and made it all about him and his fears of gays. I was no longer a soul in his eyes, I was simply covered in the biggest sin.  I was preached to and given all the reasons why I need to change myself. In order to continue with the Baptism, I was asked to promise and guarantee to leave this lifestyle behind. I was asked to cover the tattoo on my wrist because it was ‘shameful.’  I was being condemned to Hell when all I wanted to do was give Jesus myself through the expression of Baptism.

I’ll admit, they scared the shit out of me.  Immediately I was fully convinced I needed a boyfriend, that  I needed to fight this temptation, to change myself completely, to find a way around it, that this was actually a test of strength and choosing obedience,  or else indeed I was going to Hell.  I felt dirty and shameful because I was told and showed I was.  It didn’t matter how much I loved God, how much I worshiped Him, how great my relationship was with Him, the only thing that mattered was I am gay in their heads, and those heads could not grasp a subject they couldn’t possibly understand.  I was told over and over being gay is a choice, and I can make the choice to not be.  I was asked before proceeding with the Baptism, to promise and guarantee I would not lay with another female. I was unable to make this promise.  There was no other way around it for this Pastor.  He compared me to adulterers.  I did not proceed with the Baptism, and this was my choice.  I cannot say I was refused Baptism. I left that cult-like church and didn’t look back.

The next couple of days I was not myself. I was in a dark place all alone, surrounded by fears that were put into me. Running around the idea of what the rest of my life will be like living a lie.  But fear is only a lie, this I have realized quickly, because they are the ones afraid. Afraid of accepting the time era we live in, incapable of being accepting and compassionate towards people who are truly made in God’s image.

I was confused, I was hurt,  and I was damaged by the place I ran to find worship, and to share God’s glory and grace with others.  For the first time in my life, I was being judged for my sexuality.  This had never happened to me before, I have been told my whole life to be who I am, and those that mattered,they never mind, and those that mind, NEVER matter. This is how I was brought up, to be myself.

Everyone else is taken.

Within a couple of days, the Pastor contacted me, stating he had written me a letter.

It was my choice: I could drive to him and pick it up, or he could email it to me.

I let him know I was on my way.

When I got there, he was waiting for me in his office. He hands me the letter.  I grow immediately disgusted and bothered.  This letter was typed and was 5 pages long.

He asked me to sit down so he could begin reading it to me.  Half way through the first page, I interrupted him and asked him to stop.  I told him I cannot sit here and listen to this.  The whole 5 pages were indicating I was sinning, I was going to hell.

He advised me he went to university to study Religion, for seven whole years. Before this, he was not a Christian. Ironic isn’t it?  Someone questioning someone else’s spirituality with Christ who had to get schooled to get it.  I was born into this, it was embedded in me from birth. How dare him ask who is the bigger Christian. My faith is not in books, my faith is in my heart and i get to carry with me always, it is indestructible and if I leave the path, I know i am never forsaken.

After declaring I was made like this, born this way, I asked him, since he was comparing me to adulterers,etc , “do you know that your child will be an alcoholic at the age of 5, 6, or 7?!” He replied “no, these things are impossible to know at that age.” Indeed.

But from my own experience, my own life, my entire family knew I was definitely “different” at a very young age.  So how are these things used as a comparison?It is NOT a learned behaviour. It is genetics, and it is most definately nowhere close to an option of preference for some need to indulge in sin, or some excuse.

This is love and it is love returned because God indeed approves and improves my love and the love i receive throughout the course of my journey.

He tried to convince me to choose the church over anything else, to choose obedience. But in all this, where was I choosing God? It felt more like choosing to be part of a religious cult where I no longer get to decide how I will live my life.  I was not in. Not one part of my body was in.

I have already chose obedience with God, and being gay has nothing to do with it.

He advised me I was sent into his life so he could teach me a lesson.. I quickly advised him he was wrong, that maybe I was sent to teach him a lesson; when someone doesn’t understand something because they are too ignorant, God teaches lessons. Hard lessons.

I told him he is going to seriously hurt someone some day, that if I was any weaker in my faith, he would have turned me away from God completely. Instead, it only strengthened my relationship with God and made my faith stronger.  He is my rock. No one can take that away, my faith eats with me, breathes with me, cries with me, and smiles with me.

The Pastor brought my grandmother into his dirty scheme, and she is passed but decided to  use it against me, as I previously disclosed to him she raised me in a very Christian upbringing, and let me clarify, when I say Christian, by no means am I saying Religion or hating on anyone else, or casting stones at people for any reasons if or when they conflict with me own reasons or judgments. He asked what would your grandmother think if she was alive?!  Ouch.  My grandmother already knew, long before she passed. But how unfortunate for you to use this in your defense Mr.Religion! My grandmother accepted me for who I am. She did not judge people by their sexual orientation, culture or race. This is how I was raised, absolutely without discrimination.

I am continually receiving emails from this set group of people, telling me they are praying for me, reminding me it is a choice to be gay.  Do they really think if it’s a choice that gay people would choose this torture? Choose to feel hated; to be judged, to be beaten, and murdered, to have to take their own lives to end the suffering from the judgments and cruelty of the ones that cannot understand not everyone is the same?  To have their rights taken from them because they are different than the norm?  It is the GAYS declaring this is not a choice, it is the haters not believing the ones that actually know, because it is us who are gay. Listen to what we are saying, its about ourselves, we know best.

And if God hates Gays as so many churches declare, why did he make so many of us?  I believe in God, I believe he knows exactly what he is doing, and I leave it in His hands fully, because I put all my trust and all my hope in Him on a daily basis.

The church’s rejection of homosexuality affects many people. Not only do they face rejection from their friends and family, but they face condemnation. Many worry that they will go to Hell. Those homosexuals who have grown up very religious homes have difficulty reconciling their sexuality with their faith. The clash between these two things can be psychologically damaging, and the way the church reacts only makes matters worse.

In general, Christian groups consider that it isn’t sinful to be homosexual; it is merely sinful to act upon your homosexuality. Most people endure sexual temptation every day, yet do not act on it. God condemns only the act of homosexual sex, not the urges towards it. However, some believe that the inclinations themselves are a ‘spiritual disorder.’

The holy laws of Leviticus are the most blatant condemnation of homosexual acts. However, many of these laws are broken daily, by people who would consider themselves devout Christians. For example, Leviticus 19:27 states: “Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip the edges off your beard.” By this standard, any clean-shaven Christian has broken one of the holy laws. Similarly, Deuteronomy 22:5 forbids women from wearing clothes intended for a man or vice-versa. Though some Christian factions might use this verse to condemn men cross-dressing, it is never used on a woman who is wearing pants.

Given these contradictions, it is important to remember to take the Bible in the context of the times and culture in which it was written. Much of the code of Leviticus has simply gone out of style, and is no longer used. For example, the practice of lesbianism isn’t mentioned in Leviticus at all, yet it is just as condemned by Christians. Only in one place in the entire Bible, Romans 1:26, is this even obliquely mentioned when Paul writes “Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones.”

Interestingly, although Paul condemns homosexuality in the New Testament, Jesus himself never mentions it. It can even be extrapolated from certain sections that he would have had no problem with it.

There are two ways that one can view the Bible. If everything in it is taken literally, even most Christians deserve death by stoning, after which they will go to Hell. Like most works of literature, it is important to consider the time at which it was written, and its cultural context. The one lesson that many Christians seem to forget when they are hurling Biblical rhetoric is something Jesus said to prevent the stoning of an adulterous woman: “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her (John 8:7).”

This was the first time in my life that I had ever been judged for my sexual orientation.

My family was very accepting right from the beginning, as I told them, they immediately re-assured me they had always known, my sister the most.  My sister is the best link to my past, and she is my future.  She has walked along side of me and I her. She knew I was gay when I was 8!  My mother also announced to me shortly after telling her, that she too had always known.  I was never judged by anyone in my hometown, I was never made to feel I was unworthy of God’s grace.  I have always felt God’s love with me, surrounding me, walking with me, I was never alone.  If being gay is against God’s will, why hasn’t he abandoned me? Why am I still receiving amazing blessings, why do I feel his arms around me, always guiding me where He wants me to be?  If it is wrong to be born this way, why have I never felt wrong to be in my body?

My experience has taught me that organized religion in itself can be a serious crime, by provoking hate-crimes.  It can push people away from the church. Don’t they have better things to do instead of building their temples like feeding the poor, giving the homeless a warm place to sleep in that church of theirs. Being an actual Christian.  Why is it  church people authority give themselves the right to mess people up mentally? Let Jesus do the saving. Do you hear that?  Step back and look at your own selves for a very long time in the mirror, ask yourselves why you weren’t blessed with the gift of gay, and accept what you cannot change, because we’re gay, we’re ecstatic, and we are not going anywhere but in our own skin where it feels best.

Jessica LaPointe

Posted in: FQ