all the boys think shes a spy : bye boys!

Posted on July 20, 2011 by

15


(Guest blog by Alexandar von Alstyne)

“In the weeks since I have returned to Canada, I have pondered heavily and daily about whether or not this was a good idea or not. I weighed out the pros and cons a lot. For once in my life I wondered if I would come off as ranting and raging, then I realized I am a Canadian citizen and we have free speech in this country and I am allowed to speak my mind in regards to whatever I want. Its one of the greatest things about this country, but regardless of free speech, there is definatly a price to be paid socially for speaking your mind.

I have learned this in a very intensive way throughout my life. However, despite the passive aggressive social lashing you can receive for doing such, I will continue to do so. There will be about 10 people left on my ship when this blog is done. And that will be that. Kitty Kat will finally be put to rest (you don’t mention her after this?). I have a lot of gay, lesbian and transgendered friends in this city. Well, whether we hang out everyday, or have each other’s phone numbers or what have you, I like them. Ha! Some of them I don’t think even like me as far as they could throw me… however, I like them for whatever individual reason that may be. I have a feeling as this blog continues I will appear to be old… old old old! That is fine by me.

I write this to let people know they have options and that there is a life out there that is far greater than what they’ve lived within the 506 area code. So, first of all, let it be known I am very passionate about gay rights and equality for humans in general. Say what you will in regards to me, but I have always spoken out and put my neck on the line for human rights.

I guess that makes sense, as I have always been a poster child for gay rights within the 506 area code. I can say that because due to the fact that I’ve presented myself unapologetically since age 15, I have learned the price you pay for being yourself.

Being yourself, whether it is in your physical presentation, openness of lifestyle, or unsolicited opinion is something that when you are 15 years old, you don’t understand the social repercussions of. The same goes for being 16, 17 or 18 years old. You just don’t get it… you just think that people are mean and “really hillbilly”. You say your blistering defensive remark in retort and that’s it.

I never understood I was “weird”. I was well adjusted to my own natural disposition and I just simply couldn’t understand I was seen as the “weirdo”. I went on in this town, not really grasping why I was perceived this way. Then, when I was about 24, I began to understand. Ha! It was simple!

So it’s like this – if you’re a man, don’t wear eyeliner, don’t wear self-tanner, don’t have rock star hair and don’t dress like an “eccentric”. Because if you do, it means that your dick has fallen off and that you are a weak little girl. People will begin to have preposterous notions about you like:

– You’re a drug addict

– Prostitute

– Satanist

– Mentally ill

I have been called such things as (quote):

– Incorrigible

– Vigilante

– Transsexual

– Half and half

– Diseased

I would like to be able to write that all of those words came from “the Hillbilly Heterosexuals with bibles and fascist beating sticks”.

Unfortunately, I would say 75% of this mentality came from my own community. The Fredericton gay community. There is homophobia, and then there is INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA. Internalized Homophobia is homophobia that is presented to you from your own peers. So, it starts coming at you from your own community. Basically, if there is a duck in the flock that grew different feathers, the flock kind of disowns it. Generally speaking, I think gay men which appear to be effeminate seem to get this flak from other gays which seem to be able to pass on the street without people noticing there gay.

So, I guess this means there are good gays and bad gays… or, as an openly gay man which is on my facebook once said: “there are gays, and then there are faggots.” That, to me, is quite cruel. So, what is a faggot??

Is a faggot a little cumdumpster that can’t defend themselves, the one that grabs there ankles and just takes it like a bitch, the one that all you have to do is look at them and you can see the “queer” in there face?

Is this what a faggot is?

It is quite astounding to me as there are many effeminate HETEROSEXUAL men whom are married with families. They produce semen and children, the same way VERY MANLY men do.

So, is it hard to be a faggot in a small provincial place? Quite. It’s difficult because you have the religious people coming at you, the conservative middle class with “moral values” staring down at you, and then just to put more bamboo up your nailshaft, your own gay community only supports you to a certain degree.

In some instances, it is quite laughable in an incredulous kind of way because there are the manly gay guys that say, “I don’t like fems”

– well not in public, anyway. Not to front as a boyfriend, but *snicker snicker* behind closed doors, with legs in the air, your stable little steed is usually there. The number of gay men (some of which are on my facebook), which utter these words and then have plunged themselves in me (and other friends of mine) exist in fucking astronomical proportions.

This is me calling you out – be happy I am not naming names. It appears though that sometimes-smudged eyeliner floats your boat…or at least enough for you to get it up for your 3 minutes of glory – and I’m being generous when I say 3 minutes. So, this is what is called INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA. I have written about it in a crass and graphic manner, however, on a raw primal level, that’s exactly what it is. Now, there are going to be a bunch of boys that are real mad because the bitter faggot has spoken.

Next, if you are effeminate, your feelings tend to get dismissed a lot. If you express your views or an opinion, it gets immediately branded as “drama”, then the asshole manly gay guy in American Eagle apparel says to you firmly yet diplomatically, ” listen, I hate drama.”… um, stop fucking causing it then! However if it is YOU who is effeminate and speaking your mind, it rarely gets validated. Welcome to New Brunswick and all surrounding provincial areas. Please take a cloth and wash your eyeliner off at the door, buy some plaid and put on something 2 sizes too big because if you don’t, it means you are all of the above.

I would like to make it abundantly clear that I am very much aware that I am severely risking looking like a bitter complaining bitch that is just unsatisfied and looking to ruffle feathers and make “drama”. Please know that I don’t really do this for me – I do this and write this in faith that it will just get in the hands of a smart person, and maybe it will reach the eyes of someone that maybe has suffered some of the social injustice that I, as well as others have suffered here.

I don’t need to do this for myself, as I do not socially thrive in this town or surrounding area. I am more than comfortable with being person X; I do not need this city or province’s social platform to stand on. Other people in other places and I myself have made my own social platform to stand on.

I am sufficient enough to be able to say what I want to and will have the door slammed in my face, because I don’t need to walk through that door.

I have managed to learn about living and thriving in the REAL WORLD in the last 5 or 6 years and I have made a true and relevant life for myself where I don’t need a “community” to like or support me. I can just speak freely. Those who dig it can hang out with me and have coffee… those who don’t? Well… ok, cool.

So, what compelled me to write such things all of the sudden?? I have been going out on the weekends in Fredericton to a bar that was once considered to be a gay bar. Perhaps I stand to be corrected, but years ago, when it opened (I was there on opening night), it was opened as a GAY BAR complete with a pride flag the hung on the wall. Most of the staff and the original owners were gay. I remember saying to one of these owners on opening night, “this is the nicest gay bar Fredericton has ever had,” and I did not stand to be corrected.

I believe now that it is now being called an “alternative” bar. For me, the title “alternative” is cool. I have been to many “alternative” clubs in many places, so I am more than ok with that, as I have never been someone that goes to only exclusively gay places. I don’t do the segregation thing, and I’ve never been intimidated by “heterosexual” establishments. In fact, due to the fact that I live and die for rock music, I have always actually frequented many bars that are better known to be heterosexual. Also, if you look at my friend ratio, I have actually a lot of heterosexual male friends. The label “alternative” is fine by me, because the thing about “alternative” bars is that it means that diversity is accepted and not threatened or slandered.

My point is, that if you have a bunch of 20-year-old drunk guys that stumble into a place where they could see such things as…

– Men wearing eyeliner

– Two men kissing

– Transgendered or gender variant people

– “Freaks, geeks and weirdo’s”

… you want to know that you will be honoured and protected by the establishment. That is what “alternative” is! It is a place for alternative people to go and BE THEMSELVES! Unless I am confused all to shit, that is what an “alternative” bar is. When I think of “alternative” bars in other, more evolved parts of this country, I think of The Funhouse in Montreal or The Bovine in Toronto. I have frequented these places and they are ALTERNATIVE, meaning that in these establishments bigotry and slurs and close-minded people just are IRRELEVANT. You see, if bigotry, slurs and closed-minded ideals are prevalent in an establishment, it actually would make it impossible to be an “alternative” bar.

So, okay, fair enough… this bar that was once believed by myself and many others to be a gay bar is now an “alternative” bar. That actually doesn’t leave a bitter taste in my mouth at all, however, what DOES leave a bitter taste in my mouth is when I go to an alternative bar and there is a smoking patio full of people that are saying things like when they see two men kissing they make a gagging noise. Or, you run into a girl that was once at the tannery and has now ended up at the alternative bar and she’s like “fuck, I just wish I knew who was gay and who wasn’t, it weird’s me out.” Or, when Matt Crawford walks by, a bunch of assholes will say, “what the fuck is that?” Or, as I saw last night, a gay guy asked another guy for a light and he freaked out at him and was like “get the fuck away from me” – the gay guy (whom I know only mildly) looked shocked and embarrassed and quickly moved away. As a gay man, some of the looks I have gotten from the clientele of the “alternative” bar are actually far worse than in comparison of me going to see a show at The Capitol. It reminds me of the late 90s when you would, for whatever reason, end up at the Upper Deck at 1:30 in the morning… I myself have received the challenging/threatening look from 4 or 5 heterosexual men in the smoking area. So I ask, how is this an alternative bar? Where is the alternative in that? Ha, I am failing to see it.

Now don’t get me wrong – there is always room for error and there are fascist bigots that also end up at places like gay bars or true alternative bars, however, their attitudes and views in these establishments are just not prevalent. So, I have asked myself as of late, why it is that every time I go to this establishment, I cant help but notice these things. I ask others in passing if they notice this and they are like, “umm fuck ya…” then I think, “Well if I can see it, and if other patrons can see it, cant the bloody staff see it as well!?” I can’t help but feel that a blind eye is being turned to this. A blind eye that is blind solely for the purpose of financial gain.

pride Ok. Fair enough. I am simply out. Out. Like, gone. I am not supporting an establishment that doesn’t support me. They may say they do, but sorry – I live and die by the phrase “actions speak louder than words”. To be frank, I am not going to go to a place that, by the end of the night, is just a blister on the sole of my foot. So, as I said … “actions speak louder than words”. Yeah. I will put myself to the test on that while I am here. It’s strange because sometimes I catch myself as I am driving here, and my internal dialogue is going “ok, Alex… do you really want to do this?” It comes down to being bored to tears here, so then its like “well, I want to wear my vinyl purple docks and it would be nice to make out with someone…urghh ok ill go…” Ya, not worth it. For me, personally, it simply is not worth it. Why?

1. Because lol nobody can appreciate my purple docks

2. The person I made out with is floating my boat on the most minimal level possible

So, here is the equation: bigots + people in crocs + internalized homophobia + the blind leading the blind + plus no alternative + plus “boys in eyeliner is icky” + the word “faggot” being uttered = me sayin’ “stick it up your ass”!

Hi. I am a gay man; I am liberated in that. I pride myself as an individual; I think I am beautiful, I think Matt Crawford is beautiful. I am a grown man, and when I go to ANY kind of business establishment, I expect to be treated with dignity and respect. I don’t like having my personal integrity or mannerisms challenged, I don’t like having to listen to nothing other than an overabundance of ignorance.

IGNORANCE:

(n.) A willful neglect or refusal to acquire knowledge which one may acquire and it is his duty to have.

(n.) The condition of being ignorant; the want of knowledge in general, or in relation to a particular subject; the state of being uneducated or uninformed… sweetheart, don’t confuse it with “rude”.

(n.) A willful neglect or refusal to acquire knowledge which one may acquire and it is his duty to have.

(n.) The condition of being ignorant; the want of knowledge in general, or in relation to a particular subject; the state of being uneducated or uninformed.

Read it again, please.

Now, I am done writing, and I think a lot of you that read my blogs, or have coffee with me, or fuck me, or have your hair cut by me, or love me accredited Courtney Love Cobain to my brashness. Yes, I would be nothing if there was no “Pretty On The Inside” album, however, please know today that I am dedicating this blog to the late Bette Davis. I got home last night at like 4 am and I watched an interview of hers and I thought she was the strongest, most beautiful lady ever. She was sorry for nothing and she chain-smoked. So there, that is the “gayest” thing I’ve ever done. This is dedicated to Bette Davis, and in my typical fashion, I’ll end this is a really shitty way… once an Austrian, always an Austrian (god bless you for loving me)… AAAAAANNNNDDDD 506? FUCK YOU!

Alexandar Adrain von Alstyne

Oh, and please… just one more time so we’re clear:

IGNORANCE:

(n.) A willful neglect or refusal to acquire knowledge which one may acquire and it is his duty to have.

(n.) The condition of being ignorant; the want of knowledge in general, or in relation to a particular subject; the state of being uneducated or uninformed.”

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Posted in: QTC